Monday, November 29, 2010
Heaven help me for the way I am

She was working on reception again today.
All day long I've been getting comments like "Why don't you go work somewhere warm, like reception?"

One of the first emails I received today?

"Why don't you come over here and warm up and keep me company?"

I did go over to get something from the other building at one point, when I got back I had an email.

"You should have stayed longer to keep me company."

I can't ask her out directly, I'm still too scared of just going up to somebody and doing that and having been turned down on the crappy attempts I've made doesn't really provide me with the confidence to go any further. She's admitted she's quite flirty but she seems to go further than the effort flirting would take, after all she talks to me, who is crap at flirting properly, more than the married guy in our office who flirts constantly. Although, this could all just be me being insanely masochistically hopeful. I'd probably be better off just giving up entirely from this point on and not bothering any more, but that's always been hard for me to start with and I'm so unused to any level of attention that it makes it even harder.
If she's just playing with me I'm sure it will become apparent soon, at which point I'll probably slip over to hating her and can get on with my life.

Posted at 04:53 pm by Halcyon
(2) Responded  

Saturday, November 27, 2010
Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time, tell me you belong to me

As an aside, why do people always have to be such children?

I got an email from her after lunch asking why someone had asked her if she missed me whilst I was off work for a day.

The thing that confuses me is that if she goes out of her way to talk to me, how come I get teased about it?

It reminds me of school, which isn't good, because it was people at school that helped to mess me up this badly in the first place.

Why can't I just be honest, tell her how I feel and deal with whatever her response is, why am I so damned terrified?

Posted at 03:44 am by Halcyon
(1) Responded  

All the advice I shunned and I ran where they told me not to run

She asked if I'd buy her some breakfast this morning as she's stuck on reception, so I did.
I complained it was cold in the office and she said I could work next to her and I so dearly wanted to be able to say yes, especially when she made a similar offer later.
I know I shouldn't do this to myself, but part of me can't help but hope and I so rarely get any attention of this order from women, for whatever reason.
Apparently someone at work is organising a night out and she asked if I'd be going, saying that she might actually make it out this time.
When I said I probably would but that I thought my friends were visiting that day, she then said well, she'd still be going if she wasn't too poor.
On the plus side, my friends will be coming and we shall get drunk, and all will be, well, not right with the world, but significantly more fuzzy.

Posted at 01:17 am by Halcyon

Thursday, November 25, 2010
Another train of thought too hard to follow

Do you know, I'd very nearly forgotten about this, which I suppose is OK, because by now I'm pretty sure everyone else has too.

As near as I can tell, I do have a problem, something in my head is seriously wrong, because I just can't seem to accept that somebody could actually want me. You see, in order to move on and actually try and ask people out properly and gain any confidence in this area I'd need to be able to believe that it's possible for someone to want me on those terms, yet I can't seem to.

I really don't know why.

I'm going to have to find something to do about it.

I intend to move house first, however.

Now, the real reason I feel the need to make this post, which is a similar reason to so many previous posts.

She's beautiful.

I should stop torturing myself like this but I can't seem to help myself.

She has the most beautiful blue eyes, the kind you feel you could stare into forever.

Fuck knows how many hours I've wasted sending her emails at work, if she'd stop replying I could stop myself doing it.

It seems, at times, almost like she's interested, she replies to my emails, texts, etc, talks about so many things you wouldn't quite expect, smiles and waves every time she seems me,seems to genuinely like coming to sit next to me on the bus...

It's far and away the most interest anyone has shown in me for so very long.

I wasn't going to do anything about it, just be typical me, let it pass eventually.

People pointed out that I had nothing to do so, via the medium of email, I did suggest going to the cinema.

Yes, email, lame I know but I'm so very crap at this and so very very scared.

"I'll get back to you on that one"

She didn't

A week or so later I made another similar suggestion, but she just ignored it, so I resolved to not bother any more.

I didn't manage to hold to it, the evening before I was originally intending to go back home to find out more about my sister suddenly being pregnant and married, she messaged me on facebook.

I replied, more messages, told her I wasn't going back home yet because my mother had said there was no point at that time. More messages, another half assed suggestion.

"I'll get back to you" plus a hint that it wouldn't be anything, if you know what I mean.

Spent hours talking to her until I was too tired to stay awake any more.

I don't know why I do this to myself.

She drops hints, relationships are too complicated, I enjoy being by myself, so why do I keep thinking maybe, maybe, maybe she'll change her mind, tell me she wants me?

I tried reminding her of the film when she didn't get back to me, told her to ring me if she did want to see it.
She didn't.
But later texted me, asking how it was and spent the evening texting me.

She's probably just being friendly, but no one else puts in that kind of effort, so it's hard for me to reconcile and I do want her so badly.

I walked over to our other site with her the other day, grabbed some stuff, returned.

I got an email "I see you managed to sneak out without saying good bye to me".

I'm listening to Fiona Apple now, I like it, it's good music and she told me to listen to it so it makes me think of her, which, for obvious reasons, constitutes a problem.

She seems to go out of her way not to say "No, I don't want you" but that doesn't really make anything better.

In fact it would be easier if she just rejected me wholly. I could move on and torture myself over somebody else.

Posted at 10:28 pm by Halcyon
(2) Responded  

Thursday, July 08, 2010
Singing for your questions but you've stolen all of my answers

He’d heard something once... ‘cool guys don’t watch explosions.’ He supposed he wasn’t cool. It bloomed swiftly, like slow capture photography of an exotic bloom, black and orange petals unfolding in the clear night sky. Small streamers of fire arched away from the mass as debris scattered far and wide. Blotting out the stars above, a black mass of smoke lifted away, expanding to fill the heavens. A figure moved past him, indistinct in the firelight, highlights glinting off hair that could have been blonde, or gold or something light, booted feet crunching through the snow. “Stop!” He called. “It might not be done...” The figure paused, turned, features obscured in silhouette. “It isn’t.” The voice was male. Deep and melodic. The tone made him shiver, glad that the owner was walking away once more, heading towards the burning house. The excitement seemed to be over now, the explosive flames settling down, the gutted shell burning merrily. As the man approached, something burst from the wreckage...

Posted at 07:22 pm by Halcyon
(1) Responded  

Thursday, July 01, 2010
I won't waste your time with my revelation

I was forwarded an Email, I have made edits in italics:

Isn't this so true......... HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010 Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. - after all, there's no safer society where everyone is allowed to carry their own gun and potentially dispense their own justice if they feel the necessity

2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. - Nothing builds bonds between two men like a good beating, it's the manly way to do things, why if only women indulged in similar activities, they'd be far more robust and less obsessed with shoes.

2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. - Because violence is *always* the answer, nothing proves your moral superiority better than being able to thrash somebody completely.

2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman. - After all, nothing teaches you to lie with a straight face and conceal evidence of misdemeanors like the threat of a good beating

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock - A heartwarming scene, nothing breaks down the necessary social boundaries between teacher and students like an opportunity to share drugs and tobacco.

2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. - Needing to resit probably had nothing to do with his teachers intolerance of anyone not born to an English speaking family

2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die. - Johnny probably wont get more ambitious, try for something more exciting, have his baby sister stumble across it and cause her to be scarred for life

2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. - to conform with the sexual predator stereotype being advanced here, Mary would need to be the child and Johnny would need to be a a teacher in his forties at the latest. Screenings of twilight have shown us that society has no problem at all with older women being sexual predators,

This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!!

Yes, stupid enough to email shit like this whilst forgetting what a positive perspective time and distance tends to put on things

Posted at 10:32 pm by Halcyon

Saturday, June 19, 2010
Still my heart would benefit from a little tenderness from time to time

I entered the book shop casually, perusing the shelves. I inspected a book by Terry Pratchett, in the certain knowledge that I already owned it. I turned to take in the rest of the store, curious as to whether I'd see anything worth my while. I saw a sale sign and then the girl by the counter. Her short denim skirt made no attempt to conceal her legs, which were bare all the way down to her small cloth shoes, the name for which I know not. They were smooth and slender and a little captivating. As I glanced at her again, she turned, walking in my vague direction, on hand sliding over the short length of denim attempting to do service as a skirt in what can only be described as a sensual manner. The other girl behind the counter asked her a question and she turned again. I did a brief circuit of the central shelves and exited the shop.

Posted at 04:02 pm by Halcyon

Saturday, May 22, 2010
Now I'm ready to close my eyes

I've been single all this time. It's not caused any significant problems. I've dealt with it fairly well. so why do I keep feeling this urge to change it? Why don't I just accept it and get on with things?

Posted at 12:29 am by Halcyon
(1) Responded  

Wednesday, April 28, 2010
And it's easy to ignore 'til they're knocking on the door of your homes

Do society a favour, tell the Bigots to go to hell.
How dare you negate someone's life simply because it doesn't meet with your expectations of behaviour.

Posted at 04:45 pm by Halcyon
(1) Responded  

Saturday, April 17, 2010
So many things unsaid

Thus does it return.

Posted at 10:29 pm by Halcyon

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Darkness, Darkness

Robert Plant

Darkness, Darkness, be my pillow, Take my head and let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow, In the silence of your deep
Darkness, darkness, hide my yearning, For the things I cannot see
Keep my mind from constant turning, To the things I cannot be
Darkness, darkness, be my blanket, cover me with the endless night
Take away the pain of knowing, fill the emptiness with light
Emptiness with light now

Darkness, darkness, long and lonesome, Is the day that brings me here
I have felt the edge of sadness, I have known the depths of fear
Darkness, darkness, be my blanket, Cover me with the endless night
Take away this pain of knowing, Fill this emptiness with light now
Emptiness with light now

Darkness, darkness, be my blanket, cover me with the endless night
Take away this pain of knowing, fill this emptiness with light now
Oh with light now.
Darkness, Darkness, be my pillow, Take my head and let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow, In the silence of your deep
In the silence of your deep
In the - oh oh yeah
In the summer baby
come on come on come on baby...

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